Spread the wealth.

                                In 1903, the Boston Americans (later, Red Sox) defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates five games to three in the first ever World Series.  This past October, The Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals four games to two, in the most recent World Series.  Not counting the two years when there wasn't a series- 1904 and 1994- that makes 109 total.  Those two non-series years happened for two different reasons; in 1903, Giants manager John McGraw refused to play out of spite for his hatred of  American League President Ban Johnson, while ninety years later, the season ended with a players strike in August of '94, much to the lament of Montreal Expos fans. ( an MLB best 70-44 at the time of the strike)

                       Out of the 109 series played, over half of them (55 total) are by four teams:  The Yankees (27), Cardinals (11), A's (9) and Red Sox (8). Then if you take the next four teams- The Giants (7), Dodgers (6), Pirates and Reds (5 each) -the total is 78 titles from 8 teams.   That leaves 23 franchises winning the remainder of the 31 championships, some of them multiple winners (Tigers, Braves, White Sox, Orioles, Twins/Senators etc.), and some just only one so far, (Royals, Angels and D'Backs).

                    Granted, 14 of the remaining teams are expansion teams, and they account for nine of them, but It just goes to show you how little parity there is/was in general.  Not to say that there haven't been moments of true parity; the '78- '87 seasons are the ultimate example, with a different team winning it all in a ten year span.  The early '00s looked to be similar, with the Yankees finally losing some steam after dominating in the late '90s, early '00s.  Two teams broke 80-plus year curses that decade, (Red and White Sox...back to back years in '04 and '05), the Angels won their first in '02, breaking a 42 year drought.  Newer teams got in on the act too- Marlins with their 2nd ring in six years, D'Backs winning it all in their fourth year- but of course the decade ended on yet another Yankee title.

                      One of the weird things about the Yankees dominance overall, is that it took them 20 years to get their first ring ...in 1923.  Then there were years in the ensuing decades where they'd win two, three, four and even five in a row (49-53...Stengel's best team).  Sure, there have been droughts; no championship between 63-76, and another dry spell during the '80s and early '90s.  The latter one is the most significant, because the '80s are the only decade since their first title in '23 that the Bronx bombers didn't win a World series, despite the presence of Hall of famers Ricky Henderson and Dave Winfield...oh, and Donnie Baseball.   Those teams scored a ton of runs and are a testament to the old adage: "pitching wins World series'."

                 Even if the Yankees don't win one for the next 25 years, they would still be the dominant all time champ...The Cardinals-the closest to them- would have to win 16 to tie, and I'm kind of sick of them anyway.  I wouldn't mind some of the teams who won pennants in the past, but  not the World series, get in on the act, like the Padres, Astros, Rockies, etc.  Just not the Rays...they're the Bosox biggest competition now (ha). I think the Nationals (formerly Expos) and Mariners should have to win a pennant before they can win it all...sort of like an initiation into the club.

        Of course, there are the long suffering teams: Pirates, Orioles, Tigers, Mets and Royals, whose fans surely would appreciate a title after 25-30 years of coming up short.  There are the Indians, who despite having one of the most dominate teams of the '90s, never won it all in that decade...and then, the are the Cubs.  For years, I sympathized with the boys from Wrigley; they seemed like a cousin to my equally hapless Red Sox.  However, the difference was, at least the Sox actually would go to the World Series here and there, while the Cubs haven't won a pennant since 1945, which is actually a longer drought than the Indians last Championship in '48.

              When the boys of Fenway won it all in '04...and again in '07, and again this past year, I felt my alliance with the Cubs slipping away.  It's not that I don't still sympathise, it's just that I don't really relate to their plight anymore..  My N.L. team for years has been the New York Mets, mostly because I've lived in Brooklyn for a while and Mets fans hate the Yankees as much as Sox fans do, if not more. People say, "What about '86, Bill Buckner, etc.", and I say, after '04, all that is washed away.  The Cubs still have the billy goat...they still have the black cat in '69...they still have the Bartman incident...and until they win it all- or at Least win the pennant- that stuff will still be relevant in some weird way.  Trust me, I know...notice how nobody chants "Nineteen-eighteen" at Yankee Stadium anymore?


               

"Home run hitters drive Cadillacs, singles hitters drive Fords."

                               It's a great accomplishment to be beloved by two generations of fans.  It could be argued that Ralph Kiner was beloved by three, possibly four generations, depending on your definition of "generation."  I moved to New York in 2002, so by the time I saw Ralph Kiner, he was one of the elderly statesmen of baseball, usually showing up somewhere in the middle of Mets T.V. broadcasts, giving his insights while Gary Cohen, Ron Darling and/or Keith Hernandez called the game.

                   Of course being somewhat of a baseball historian, I knew Kiner was one of the most feared sluggers of the first half of the 20th century.  After serving his time in WWII, he burst onto the scene with the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1946, leading the league with 23 home runs...he was only just getting started.  Kiner led the National league in homers every year from 1946-1952, and in six of those years, he led the entire Major leagues in that category...both are still records to this day.

           He was helped slightly by Forbes field's short leftfield porch, which they constructed for the then newly acquired slugger Hank Greenberg, calling it "Greenberg Gardens."  After Kiner hit 51 homers in '47, fans renamed it "Kiner's Korner", which later became the name for a post T.V. broadcast show he would host.  The Pirates were a second division club during his tenure there, so Pittsburgh's GM Branch Rickey decided to trade Ralph to the Cubs saying, "We finished last with you, we can finish last without you.

       A bad back forced Kiner out of the  game by the mid mid '50s, and he became a broadcaster in 1961 for the Chicago White Sox.  The next year, he landed the radio broadcast job for the expansion New York Mets, in which he, Bob Murphy and Linsay Nelson would rotate duties.  When the Mets won it all in '69, he was  one of the announcers for NBC radio.  As an announcer, he had the third longest run, trailing only Jamie Jarrin and Vin Scully while also hosting the aforementioned "Kiner's Korner on T.V., where he'd interview player's after the game.

                 During his last year of eligibility in 1975, Kiner  was elected to the baseball hall of fame, making it by one vote.  By that point, of course, he was probably more well known as a broadcaster than he was a player.  One of the more amazing aspects of his longevity in that field was the fact that he suffered from Bell's Palsy, a condition which slurs your speech.  He was able to deal with it for the most part, until his later years...His malapropisms were legendary, once calling Gary carter "Gary Cooper" and himself "Ralph Korner."  He was a humble man, despite uttering the immortal line: "Home run hitters drives Cadillacs, singles hitters drive Fords..."  (editors note: My last car was a Ford...)

Searching for Tony Plush

                           I've been saying for years that there needs to be more characters in the game.  When Ozzie Gullien was fired as manager of the Marlins, it almost seemed like an end of an era.  Gone are the days of Bill "Spaceman" Lee, Al "Mad Hungarian" Hrabowsky, and Dennis "Oil can" Boyd.  Nicknames seem few and far between these days.  Sure, you have your Tim "The Freak" Lincecums and your Carlos "El Caballo" Lee (who has retired, actually), but the true oddballs seem to be on the way out...which is why I was happy to hear that the Cleveland Indians had signed Nyger Morgan to a minor league deal.

                 Morgan doesn't have a nickname, per se, more of an alter ego by the name "Tony Plush."  In recent years, football players like Chad Johnson (Ocho Cinco) and basketball players like Ron Artest ( Meta World Peace) have out and out changed their names...Johnson simply changed his name to his number in Spanish, and Artest to probably the last thing in the world he has ever represented.  These moves seemed more like an ego thing, while Morgan just seems like he's trying to get a rise out of people.  Of course, Johnson and Artest were both superstars, while Nyger is...well,  the jury's still out...

         Let's just say that baseball wasn't Morgan's first choice...Believe or not, it was hockey, being inspired by watching the 1988 Olympics. He played as an affiliate players for the Vernon Vipers of the BCHL, where he received ten penalty minutes (due, in part to his notorious temper). After not making the squad during training camp, he wandered from semi pro team, to semi pro team in Canada, 'til he decided to give baseball a try, eventually getting signed by the Pittsburgh Pirates, and making his debut with the big club in 2007.

            He was traded to the Nationals for an even bigger head case, Lastings Milledge. Milledge was famous for a stunt he pulled while with the Mets, going around the field and hi fiving the fans after his first home run in the majors.  It was with the Nationals where Morgan let his emotions get the best of him, as he tried to rob a home run from the Oriole's Adam Jones...thinking the ball fell out of his glove and over the fence, Nyger threw his glove in disgust, and stormed off, leaving his team mate to retrieve the ball, but not after Jones had circled the bases for an inside the park home .run

          His temper got him in trouble again, as he was accused of throwing a ball at a fan.  That move- plus another incident where he charged the mound after being plunked- led to him being fined.  On the plus side, he also became the first Nationals' player to steal three bases in a game.  He was/is undeniably fast, being among the league leaders in stolen bases for a few years.  However, he also led the league in caught stealing twice...Tim Raines, he aint.

             His best year so far was with the Brewers in 2011; hitting over .300 and stealing 42 bases.  Nyger also got the game winning hit in game five of the 2011 LDS.  It was around this time he developed the Tony Plush character.  His stock never seemed higher.  However, due to a poor 2012, Morgan- like a lot of major leaguers do- decided to revive his career in Japan.  It seems to have worked, as the Indians are giving him a shot.  Will he make the team  ?  I hope so...he is a breath of fresh air among the robots and Goddies in the game.  He's almost like a less psychotic Milton Bradley...the baseball player, not the game board company...but then again, aren't we all...

Crime Story...

                        Well, as we all know, Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine and Frank Thomas were inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame on January 8th, 2014.  There has been a lot of controversy about Maddux not being a unanimous pick, with 16 writers leaving him off, but the fact is, he's in.  The Astros' Craig Biggio just barely missed getting in, but should get in next year, which makes last year's snubs even more infuriating.  There's a complete logjam for candidates now...there obviously needs to be a change; if not for the way the voting is done, then for the voters themselves.

                I mean, seriously, does Dodger beat writer Ken Gurnick really deserve a vote?  Not only did he leave Maddux, Glavine and Thomas off the list, he left off EVERYONE who played during that era.  The only player he had going in was Jack Morris and his 3.90 ERA.  Maybe Morris deserves it, maybe he doesn't...point is, you can't blame every player from the "steroids era" as if they're guilty by osmosis.  Really, is this clown going to deny Pedro, Smoltz and The Big Unit next year?  It also says a lot about how much the voters in general are punishing the hitters-Thomas not withstanding- who played in the '90s and '00s.  In other words, if things go the way they probably will, 5 out of 6 HOF entries for this and next year will be pitchers, unless Biggio squeaks in.

     The only pitcher eligible for the Hall that has been linked to PEDs is of course, Roger Clemens. He, along with Bonds, Sosa, McGwire, Palmiero, and the two who were never proven-Piazza and Bagwell-will probably have to wait a long time to get in, if they do at all.  Maybe it's unfair, but I'm not here to debate that, mostly because that's all anybody ever seems to want do when the subject of the Hall of fame comes up. However, there still are some who are still in contention that I will talk about deserving induction.

                  Last year around this time, I wrote about Tim Raines, and how he should be a slam dunk candidate. He's still on the ballot, along with Lee Smith, Alan Tramell and Fred "Crime Dog" McGriff.  While they're aren't many closers in Cooperstown, Smith probably deserves it.  He was consistent- kind of like a pitching version of Eddie Murray- but he wasn't as dependable as say a Mariano Rivera, or had Cy Young seasons like Dennis Eckersley and Bruce Sutter.  That, coupled with the fact that he pitched for many teams, probably have caused him to be overlooked...oh, and he took forever to get to the mound...

            On the opposite end of the scale, Alan Trammell played his entire career with one team; the Detroit Tigers. His numbers were good for a shortstop in the '80s, but they suffered in comparison to the offensive minded shortstops of the following decade like Derek Jeter, A-Rod, Nomar Garciaparra and, to a lesser extent, Omar Visquel.  Trammel- much like fellow team mate Jack Morris- seems to be Veteran committee bound once he falls off the ballot. Also, there's Schilling and Mussina, who will both have to wait awhile, mostly because of the pitchers ahead of them.

         The one candidate who I think is completely being overlooked is McGriff.  First of all, he had a great nickname...Crime Dog...People under the age of thirty (and over the age of sixty) probably won't get the reference, but in the mid '80s, the was a cartoon dog named "McGruff."  He dressed like a detective from the '40s, and (naturally) had a rather gruff voice.  He urged kids to "take a bite out of crime", sometimes paired with a non cartoon teenage girl, who sang and danced about the evils of drug use, singing  "Users are losers and losers are users, so don't do drugs...don't do drugs..."

             Crime dog led both leagues in home runs, hit 493 total ( tied with Lou Gehrig all time), drove in over 1,600 runs, never was linked to PEDs, to my knowledge-he had that muscular, yet slender, Jim Rice build- yet only received %11.7 of the vote, which is a crime, in my opinion.  Sure, he played first, where you're supposed to produce, but so did Eddie Murray, who has very similar numbers.. .But then, Eddie hit the milestones that used to matter, in 3,000 hits and 500 homers, back before PEDs made things both confusing and infuriating, voting wise.

          In conclusion, let me just say I think Biggio, Raines and Piazza will get in within the next few years, and Smith-who is still walking in from the bullpen as we speak-will get in during a slow year, much like former team mate Andre Dawson.  As for McGriff...who knows...hopefully people will come to their senses...left off the ballot for years has been one player I think has been totally overlooked; catcher Ted Simmons, who made eight All star teams during his time with the Cardinals and Brewers.  My favorite story of Simmons is when he was catching the Cardinal's insane closer, Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky, a pitcher who would regularly stomp on the mound and intimidate hitters with his homicidal glare and fu manchu moustache.

                 Many people got a little tired of the Mad Hungarian's act, mostly umpires. This one time, however, four time batting champion Bill Matlock came to the plate, and decided to mimic Hrabosky's antics on the mound while at bat. He stepped out of the box, stomped around, made a big fuss, much to the amusement of the crowd and umpire.  Even Hrabosky seemed to enjoy it.  The one person who didn't was Ted Simmon's, who decked Matlock when he came back to the plate...now THERE's a competitor...

Short people...

                       I was looking at a baseball website, (whose name I will not reveal) trying to see who the shortest home run hitters were. This site had two different lists; one was called "Shortest home run hitters", which included many 6 foot plus players.  After a couple of people complained, they tried to rectify the situation by putting out a list called "Greatest home run hitters under 6 feet."  On this list, there were such short players as 5' 7" Joe Morgan and 5' 9" Matt stairs, who weren't included on the previous list.

              One player who was on neither list-and the reason I looked this up in the first place-was Hack Wilson.  At 5' 6" tall, he would have been the shortest player to be included on either.  The omission was shocking to me, to tell you truth.  At first, I thought it was one of those, "I didn't live through it" kind of things, but there were a decent amount of old timers there, including Mel Ott, who was Wilson's contemporary. 

              Wilson hit only 224 home runs, but didn't play all that long, and for a time,  was one of the most feared hitters in the league.  His 1930 season alone should have placed him on the list; 56 homers-a National league record for almost seven decades- and 191 RBIs, which is still the Major League record.  Granted, it was the '30s, where everyone seemed to be hitting it out, and he was playing half his games in hitter friendly Wrigley field, but still, those are eye popping numbers.

          Also, it wasn't like he was .230 hitter... he  batted .356 for the year ( on top of his 56 homers and 5' 6" frame, which is a little weird).  While 1930 was his best year, there was a good four, five year period that Wilson put up awesome numbers for the Cubs, leading the league in homers a few years, and RBIs...although he did lead the league in strikeouts a couple of times, which is probably where his nickname came from(actually, there are many theories, one is that Giants manager John McGraw called him hack because his body was shaped like a taxi cab).

            He started his career in the early '20s with the New York Giants, and got to play in the 1924 World series against the Washington Senators, making a costly error in one of the games that led to a loss.  He was never a good fielder, and probably would have been a D.H. if he had played in the modern era. You might say he was almost the prototype for Dave Kingman...minus the rat giving abilities...After his gaffe in the series, he was shipped to the Cubs. He then ended his career with Brooklyn and Philadelphia.

               Of course, all of us have our weaknesses. Hack's was alcohol, which not only shortened his career, but also shortened his life, dying at the age of 48 of pneumonia. There was also a saying that at 5' 6" and 190 lbs, Wilson was built along the lines of a beer keg, and not unfamiliar with it's contents... although I would say he looked like more of a whiskey drinker.  He ended up bar tending outside of Ebbets filed, singing for drinks, and getting in trouble. Either way, he still is the shortest player to hit homers at such a pace, albeit briefly.  He was inducted into Cooperstown in 1979.

I got your legacy RIGHT HERE...

                    In the ever long, ever growing rivalry between the Yankees and Red Sox, there has always (for the most part, anyway) been a constant theme: Legends in left for Boston and legends in center for New York.  I was thinking about this after my arm got tired out, throwing shit at my T.V. when I found out Jacoby Ellsbury went to the Yankees.  I'm over it now, but whether or not he knows it, Ellsbury has a lot to live up to, as did Damon when he pulled the same sacrilegious move seven years earlier. The most famous steal the Yankees got was Ruth, who played right, but as you'll see it's center field where legends and near legends (and total washouts) roamed.

               The story begins in 1936, when Joe DiMaggio had a terrific rookie season, and of course led the Bombers to many titles in his relatively brief career.  In 1951, he decided to call it quits, so the Yankees right fielder, Mickey Mantle took over and brought the same amount of winning play until his legs finally gacve out on him in 1968.  The next center fielder to take over was Bobby Murcer, a very good, if not great player.  Murcer had the unfortunate fate of being on some pretty bad Yankee teams, and when he returned in the late '70s, they had already won the two titles that generation of Yankees would win.

                         When Murcer was traded in 1974, Bobby Bonds spent his one season there.  Bonds had spent his entire career up to that point with San Fransisco, but would spend the next seven years playing for seven different teams.  When Billy Martin became manager, he expressed his dislike for Bonds, so that may have been the reason for it.  Then for the next few years, Mickey Rivers patrolled center.  Then Murcer came back and shared duties with Jerry Mumphrey, a fairly unspectacular player.

                   The '80s were a weird time for that position in the Bronx.  The early years were filled with the Mumphreys, the Omar Morenos and-at the end of the decade- Roberto Kelly.  There were those years in the middle (85-mid 89) where Rickey Henderson-usually a left fielder- played center for New York, which fit it with a Hall of famer playing the position theme...Henderson would return to left field when he went back to Oakland in mid '89.

                After Roberto Kelly was traded to Cincinnati for Paul O'Neil in the early nineties, it made room for Bernie Williams, who played there until he retired in 2006 to play smooth jazz guitar full time.  He put up some borderline Hall of Fame numbers, but fell short of the 3,000 hit club.... The aforementioned traitor Johnny Damon played until 2009, when they won it all. Damon actually has some HOF like numbers, with 1668 RBIs and 408 stolen bases, but somehow only made the All Star team twice. The Yankees then picked up Curtis Granderson (who actually has made three All star teams, go figure), who played there until an injury riddled 2013 season made him expendable... making way for traitor #2, Ellsbury. (Yeah, I said I was over it, but it's only been a week or so).

                        The Sox legacy in left starts around the same time as the Yankees center field legacy did, in the late '30s.  1939, to be exact... that's when Ted Williams started his 22 year career in left...well, it would have been 22 had he not fought in both WWII AND the Korean war (greatest generation, indeed). The year after Teddy Ballgame retired, Carl Yazstremski took over, and was the regular left fielder until around 1975, when another future Hall of Famer, Jim Rice took over.  Yaz would sometimes play left, but mainly DH'd and played a little first until his retirement in 1983.

                    Rice continued to play left until 1987, when he became the full time D.H., and Mike Greenwell took over.  A lifetime .300 hitter, Gator was also pretty bad in the field.  After he retired, Troy O'Leary, who had been playing right, took over left for a couple of years, and was then replaced by "Jurassic" Carl Everett, named so because his deeply religious beliefs-he basically didn't believe dinosaurs existed, despite overwhelming evidence- and also, his temper was rather dinosaur-like ...

                ...and then came Manny.  Idiot-man child/amazing hitter, Manny played to his own beat, which was off (hey, I just made that up, cool), and could be an adventure in the outfield; high fiving fans after a catch on the road, disappearing into the Green monster during the game.  However, you put up with it when he does his usual .300 plus average, 35 plus homers, 100 plus RBI's  Boston had had enough of his antics in 2008, where they traded him away and got Jason Bay for a year and a half.

            In 2010, Daniel Nava was then called up at age 27 to platoon with veteran Bill Hall, but that was a one year plan...They then signed All Star Carl Crawford to a big contract, which was a bust, as he was hurt for most of 2011 and was then shipped off to the Dodgers, along with Josh Beckett and Adrian Gonzalez.  The Sox then signed Jonny Gomes to platoon with Nava, and that seems to be working out.

                      So with the Ellsbury signing, the rivalry continues...he may not be a future Hall of famer, but he's a vast improvement over Omar Moreno (callback!), who might as well have been Rita Moreno...if there was anyone outside of Vince Coleman who was made to play on artificial turf, it was Omar...and while the Gomes/ Nava platoon seems to be working as well as the old John Lowenstein/ Gary Roenicke tandem from the late '70s, early '80s Oriole teams, I'm still waiting for the next long term solution...if those still exists anymore...    

Talking Nessman...Homer and the Bugs...

                             I would like to talk about baseball on T.V.  Don't worry, I'm not going to go off about baseball commentators.  So (for now), I'm going to lay off Joe Buck and Tim McCarver...for one, McCarver is retired, and two, baseball season been over for a month.  In fact, this entry won't have anything to do with modern day baseball games on T.V., or even real games in general.  Instead, I'm going to write about my three favorite baseball related T.V. episodes.  Over the years, there have been many movies about baseball, but precious few shows dealing with it.  There was a show called " Hardball" that lasted for about six weeks in the fall of 1994.  The fact that it aired during the strike season may be a coincidence, but another television event that aired around the same time was Ken Burn's "Baseball."

             Anyway, there hasn't been a ton of shows with episodes dealing with the national pastime, but I've selected three from, coincidentally enough, three of my favorite shows ever.  All three were/are comedies, and two of them are cartoons.  Technically, only one of the episodes I've selected were about baseball, as the other two were actually softball related...

1) BASEBALL BUGS (1946)

 

                        When people try to tell me that Mickey Mouse was better than Bugs Bunny, I look at them like they just said they preferred E.L.O. to the Beatles...there's no contest.  There are many classic episodes featuring the lovable trouble maker known as Bugs Bunny, but one of the undeniable classics has to be the baseball short from 1946.  The game took place at the Polo grounds, although some of the park's nuances screamed old Yankee stadium.  The game featured the fearsome "Gashouse Gorillas", which was made up of huge, well, gorilla-like players, who smoked cigars while they played, against the Teetotalers, a team made up of skinny old men.

 

              The name "Gashouse gorillas" referred to the 1934 Saint Louis Cardinals, who were a bunch of reprobates who went on to win the World series that year, with players such as Dizzy Dean, Ducky Medwick, Ripper Collins, Pepper Martin and Leo Durocher.  The term "teetotaler" refers to a person who doesn't drink, which, during the '30s and '40s in baseball, was probably seen as a sign of weakness, as there were many a alcoholic player in those decades. ( Hack Wilson, anyone?) 

 

                       Needless to say, the Gorillas were pounding the teetotalers, hitting bomb after bomb out of the park so frequently, they started forming a conga line around the bases.  Meanwhile, out in center field, Bugs- eating a hot dog bun with a carrot inside of it- starts to taunt the Gashouse Gorillas, calling them a "bunch of doity players", then claiming he could beat them all by himself with "Wam! a homer. Wam! another homer."  This doesn't sit well with  the Gorillas, and they challenge him to make good on his promise.

 

                  Bugs starts by striking out their players by throwing fastballs, then running behind the plate in time to catch the balls, all the while, essentially giving himself a pep talk. ("That's the pepper, boy...). When he bats, he hits (literal) screaming line drives; one of which is hit to an outfielder, who keeps yelling, "I got it, I got it." When he tries to catch it, it drives him so far into the ground, a tombstone replaces where he once was, which says, "He Got it!"

 

        The second time he pitches, he decides to "perplex them with my pulverizing slowball", in which he makes a ridiculous windup, and then throws it so slow, all three batters strike out on the same pitch...strikeone,striketwo,strikethree you're out, strikeone, striketwo, strikethree, you're out, strikeone, striketwo, strikethree, you're out...When you hear modern day players talk about pitchers with great change-ups, such as Pedro Martinez or Johan Santana, they often refer to the pitch as the "Bugs bunny change-up." 

 

              Bugs has other tricks up his sleeve-distracting the catcher with a pin-up poster while trying to score, disguising himself as the umpire, and then tricking one of the Gorillas into calling himself out- but perhaps the most famous scene is right at the end.  With Bugs ahead 96-95 and an out to go, one of the Gashousers-using a tree he just cut down as a bat- launches one completely out of the Polo Grounds.  Bugs gives chase, hailing the first taxi he sees;unfortunately, the driver turns out to be the same guy who hit the ball...eventually, Bugs runs into the Empire state building, goes to the top, hurls his glove into the air to catch it. An umpire appears , calling the batter out. When the batter complains about the call, the Statue of Liberty chimes in, saying "That's what the man said, you heard him."

 

 

WKRP.  "Baseball." (1979)

 

                WKRP newsman Les Nessmen gathers his fellow employees into a room to make an announcement; he has challenged rival station WPIG to a softball game.  They're not too enthused...WPIG are a good team, who- according to station manager Andy Travis- even beat the Baptists.  However, Les tries to convince them by saying how he was never allowed to play ball as a kid, and had to instead take violin lessons.  The crew remains unconvinced, until secretary (and blond bombshell) Jennifer Marlow agrees to play...in her tight red shorts.

 

                KRP's team has some decent players, with Venus flytrap, well, catching flies in the outfield (When trying to convince the team to play, clueless Les says he knows Venus is a good athlete...simply because he's a Negro), Travis at short, Bailey at second, and so on.  At first, PIG's team is hitting Arthur "Big guy" Carlson pretty well, until Doctor Johnny Fever has two good ideas; first, he tells the Big guy how to put some spin on the ball, and second, he has Jennifer stand by the mound, distracting the hitters. (While I thought Jennifer was attractive, I was always more of a Bailey guy, but anyway...)

 

                   The biggest problem they have, of course is Les's complete lack of skill at playing the game.  At the start of the game, he wants to pitch, but after throwing a few balls nowhere near the strike zone, they convince him to move to third, telling him that Pete Rose played there.  When that proves to be a bad idea, they move him to first, telling him that Pete Rose plays first. (the fact that Rose played a lot of different positions in his career certainly helped this premise)  And when first proved to be too much, they finally move him to right field, telling him that Roberto Clemente played there.  Even though Les does the sports for the station, he has no idea who Clemente is.

 

       As bad as he was in the field, he was even worse at the plate, striking out every time.  At the plate and in the field, he is constantly having flashbacks to his childhood, and his mother telling him it's time for violin lessons.  Despite Les's shortcomings, the team- Venus, Travis, Bailey and even Herb Tarlick- keep the game close.  One of the best plays is third baseman Bucky Dornster catching a line drive with a beer still in his hand, a feat I have tried many a time at softball games myself (I'm a third baseman with a love of beer too.)

 

                      With the bases loaded in the top of the ninth, Arthur Carlson-who the other team's captain keeps calling "Moose", which the Big Guy was called when he played ball in college- has a chance to put them ahead, despite the fact he hasn't hit anything all day.  Then, WPIG's captain pulls a dick move, telling all of his fielders to come in, which is actually illegal.  In the rule book, it says that all nine of the fielders have to be in the field of play during the game.  I'm sure the producers of the show were trying to recreate the whole Satchel Paige thing, when he tried the same thing.  However, Satch actually had all the fielders stand around the mound, thereby making it nice and legal.

 

                       Anyway, the Big Guy hits it pretty deep, and PIG's players have to run from their bench to the outfield.  All the runners on base score, and Mr. Carlson-taking his time going around the bases- does as well.  When the ump says "safe!", Carlson replies "I should hope so."

On to the bottom of the ninth, when, with two outs, a left handed batter comes to the plate, which isn't a good thing.  Most likely, he is going to hit it to Les out in right.  The previous two outs were caught by Venus in left and left center, but there is no way he can cover this fly ball, which heads straight to Les.  As he circles around, with his childhood trauma still going through his mind, he finally puts his glove up in the air in desperation...and catches it. 

 

3) The Simpsons. "Homer at the bat." (1992)

 

                       When Homer starts choking on a doughnut at work, his fellow employees Lenny and Carl passively look for the poster with the Heimlich maneuver instructions on it.  Right next to it is a sign up sheet for softball.  When he discovers this, Homer forgets that he's choking and goes to sign up.  When his friends seem uninterested in playing, Homer informs them that he has a "secret weapon", which turns out to be a home made bat called, "Wonderbat." (An obvious reference to Robert Redford's bat in The Natural) After they sign up, and find out his secret weapon is nothing but

a bat, his friends are unimpressed, with Carl sarcastically informing Homer that he himself has an "enchanted jockstrap."

 

                 When the Plant starts winning ballgames, Mr. Burns makes a wager with the owner of the Shelbyville Nuclear plant that the Springfield plant will beat Shelbyville when they play each other in a week.  The bet is for a million dollars, so Mr. Burns wants to makes sure they'll win, later asking his lackey Mr. Smithers, "Is it wrong to cheat to win a million dollars?" When Smithers replies, "yes", Burns says, "let me rephrase that...is it wrong for ME to cheat to win a million dollars?"  Smithers then changes his answer.

 

         In order to guarantee the win, Burns decides to get ringers...or as he calls them "professional baseballers."  He orders Smithers to get such players as "Cap Anson, Honus Wagner, Mordecai "Three finger" Brown."  Smithers interrupts by saying, "All those players have long retired and passed on...in fact your right fielder has been dead for 130 years."  (I looked it up. The player was Jim Creighton, a great player who indeed died in 1862) Burns then tells Smithers to go get living players, and to scout " the American league, the National League, the Negro League. ( needless to say, the Negro League hadn't existed in about 40 years at that time...) 

 

                 Smithers finds Mike Scioscia while Scioscia was hunting, almost getting shot in the process.  He runs into Ozzie Smith at Graceland, while Ozzie is vacationing, and then goes to Don Mattingly's house to recruit him.  The rest of the players are introduced at work: Darryl Strawberry, Ken Griffey Jr., Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens, Steve Sax and Jose Canseco.  Burns introduces all of them as new workers, and asks them to sign up for the softball team, much to the team's dismay.  The only player who doesn't do it right away is Scioscia; he claims he was hired to run the decontaminater machine.  Burns says "One more outburst like that, and I'll send you back to the big leagues."

 

                      The team starts working out, and Homer finds out the player who is taking his position is Strawberry, who constantly sucks up to Mr. Burns. (obviously in complete contrast to his actually personality) Things are looking good, and Burns, wearing his old timey Zephyr uniform, makes out the lineup card.  He then tells Smithers that there's no way they could lose...maybe if three players couldn't play, or six...there's an outside chance...but NINE? I'd like to see that...

 

              Eight of the nine players don't show up for the game:

 

Ozzie Smith- Falls down a bottomless pit visiting a tourist spot.

Steve Sax- Gets arrested by the corrupt Springfield when they find out he's from New York.

Wade Boggs- Gets punched out by Barney at Moe's bar while arguing who the greatest Prime minister in England was.

Jose Canseco- Helps a woman recover things from her burning home...pretty much everything in it, actually...

Roger Clemens- The hypnotist who Burns hired to help the team, ended up convincing Clemens that he was a chicken.

Mike Scioscia- Was hospitalized for radiation poisoning, being the only player who actually Worked at the plant while there.

Ken Griffey Jr.- Was strictened with "Gigantism" from drinking too much nerve tonic.

Don Mattinley- Was fired by Burns for not shaving his sideburns. (He actually had a mullet, but Mr, Burns couldn't tell the difference.)

 

               The only major leaguer who showed up was Strawberry, meaning that Homer still had to sit.  However, with the game tied and the bases loaded, Burns decided to pinch hit Homer for Strawberry. (who, throughout the game had been taunted by Bart and Lisa shouting "Daryl...Daryl...much like Red Sox fans did to him during the '86 World series) Homer goes to the plate, and Burns goes over the signs with him, although Homer's mind wanders so much, he just ends up craving a bag of potato chips...so when Burns actually gives the Signs at third base, Homer becomes distracted, and gets hit in the head with the pitch, essentially winning the game for the Springfield power Plant.

 

                       So, those are the three best baseball (or softball) episodes in television history...sure, there was that Seinfeld one where George ends up plowing into Bette Middler, effectively knocking her out of the play that she's in...and of course, Jerry is dating her replacement...but I didn't think of this episode until after I wrote the other three, which are better anyway...oh, there's the Seinfeld one with Keith Hernandez, which parodies the Kennedy assassination, but there's not much baseball in that one...I'm gonna stop now...