Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I'd like to thank Jesus for the grand slam I just let up...

I'd like to thank Jesus for the grand slam I just let up...

                  The Texas Ranger's Josh Hamilton is an inspiration, isn't he?  C'mon, the man came from the depths of drug addiction to win the 2010 AL MVP and lead his team to two straight pennants in 2010 and 2011.  How was he able to accomplish such feats against all odds?  To once and for all destroy his demons and take control of his life?  Why, the Lord, of course...sigh... Now before everyone gets up in my grill, I do believe in God, I'm not a heathen and so forth , but can't ANYONE do anything these days without bothering Jesus?  I mean, it always seems as if it's the people who get caught doing something bad, or can't figure things out for themselves that  bring God into everything.  And where was God when they screwed up?  Sure, God helped you hit that home run, but was he also responsible for the previous at bat when you struck out?  Did Satan help strike you out?  Were you remembering the time back in the day before you found the lord, where you spent night after night having sex with lingerie models, drinking hard liquor and snorting coke off of toilet seats?  Did these thoughts lead you to wiff on three straight pitches, only to remember that enjoying yourself is a sin, and only by praying  can make your box score better?  Of course not.  For one thing, there are plenty of players and managers throughout the years that were pretty much devil worshipers, or at the very least, flat out evil...

            A lot of people are anticipating the first openly gay baseball player. That is, the first one to acknowledge he was gay while still playing.  A couple of players have come out long after their playing days were over. One was Glenn Burke and the other was Billy Bean (not THAT Billy Beane), and they had such nondescript careers that no one remembers them. I can only imagine what it would be like to come out while playing sports, it being such a macho occupation.  Because of this, no player has come out while still on a major league roaster.   Mike Piazza didn't help his cause a few years back when he appeared with those babes on the cover of the Daily News, clearly overcompensating for something.  But hey, what do I know?  It could have been legit.

            Me, I'm still waiting for the first openly satanic player, or at least the first that will admit it.  I'm pretty sure Craig Nettles had a black bible in his locker at all times.  I'd say Tampa's Luke Scott probably has one too, but that would imply that he knows how to read.  An early 20th century player named Hal Chase was reportedly pretty evil, and Ty Cobb's racist, sociopathic ways are well documented.  Pete Rose ended Ray Fosse's career in a meaningless game, then went on to philander and gamble his life away. Would I take any of these players on my team?  You bet !  Except Scott, screw that birther idiot. There's evil, and then there's stupid-evil.  So who do I think will be the first openly satanic player? Hard to say, although Vincent Padilla kind of looks like the devil and his pitching has been evil all season.  If we're going to go with the person you least suspect, any of these God fearing bible thumpers will do.  I'm just thinking that one day one of them will slip up and instead of pointing to the heavens after a homer or completed save, they'll point straight down...TO HELL...

        Also, the thing with the religious players is that they're all Christian, pretty much.  It's rare these days to see a Jewish player take off a Saturday because of his faith like Sandy Koufax and Hank Greenberg used to do.  Not sure if any of today's players are Buddhist, but I wouldn't be surprised.  Are there Muslims in the MLB?  I know basketball and football have their share, but I can't think of any in baseball off the top of my head. Religon's fine if you think it helps you play better, or makes you a better person...well, I wasn't going to do this, but I've changed my's the all time evil-person baseball line-up:

1)CF Ty Cobb(Racism is a hell of a drug)
2)LF-Pete Rose(Gambling's also a hell of a drug, but he's here for the Fosse incident)
5)RF-Albert Belle(Chasing little kids with your car during Halloween is not a good PR move)
4)1B-Hal Chase(Was involved in the throwing of more games than anyone, apparently)
5)3B-Craig Nettles(Epitomized the late 70's Yankees...also, Bill Lee didn't like him, so that's good enough for me)
6)C-Tim McCarver(If he never went into broadcasting, he would not be on this list)
7)2B-Billy Martin(Was quoted as saying he would let Hitler play on his team if it would help him win some games...I guess playing Nettles and his anti semetic comments were close enough)
8)SS-Frank Duffy(Watching him try to fill in for Rick Burleson in 1978 was pretty evil)
9)P-Roger Clemens(His recent steroid scandal aside, Clemens was a real dick to my wife when she used to work at Chili's in Framingham Ma. back in the day...)

The Josh Hamilton Story



  1. How about Ben Chapman as manager?

  2. There are baseball players who aren't gay?