When the hell is opening day again?

                   Tradition.It used to be the norm for the national pastime.Lately, though, it seems as if the powers that be are more concerned with competing with the likes of Football and Basketball than preserving the values of the past.Just in the past 40 years ,Major League Baseball has expanded to 30 teams,had more than half it's teams play on astroturf(a phenomenon which is all but gone,thank God)introduced the designated hitter, but only in American League(and if Charlie O.Finley had his way, there would be a designated runner as well),but none of these things bother me as much as what they've done with opening day.Now if I can put on my crotchety, old man voice (picture a more animated Wilfred Brimley),it used to be that opening day was always in Cincinnati , as they were baseball's first professional team.This lasted until 1990 when tradition was broken, and the played the Astros on the road(there were also 2 instances between 1877-1990 where they did this as well, but I believe that was due to weather).

           

        Nowadays, who knows where the hell opening day's gonna 

 be:Washington,Boston,Colorado(!),Japan?

Yes,Japan, remember when they started doing that?(They may be doing that this year,too...uggh)Those games shouldn't count(unless they were played by the Yankees and they lost all of them).I can see trying to expand the global market, but do that in the off season,you know, like they used to do.I realize things have to change, but some things need to stay grounded.A couple of years ago, when World series games were scheduled in November, I almost lost it.

I mean, what if one of the teams in the series was Colorado...oh wait, that already happened in 2007...Denver in November is damn cold.Thankfully, they stopped doing this.I don't even like the idea of baseball games on Halloween.Shouldn't start the season in March either, and with yet ANOTHER  round of playoffs on the way, they're going to bring back the scheduled doubleheader's to avoid a March to November season again.

         So, if breaking tradition is what Stephen Hawking's twin brother Bud Selig wants to do, may I suggest these following ideas to "spice up" opening day?The following list is just a suggestion, so please don't take them too seriously...or at least not as seriously as I do(ha)...Enjoy:

1)Make the ceremonial first pitch count

             You see it all the time:Some politician ,T.V. star or local hero going to the mound,and lobbing some 40 foot dying quail to the plate.The catcher smiles,pictures are taken, and we all die a little inside.But what if this pitch were to count?No team wants to start the game with their pitcher already down a ball,that's why the teams will have to do some research.The only rule is,no former players(Nolan Ryan is in his 60's and can still bring it),,but anyone who ever portrayed one in a movie(Charlie Sheen,Kevin Costner,Tim Robbins,etc.)is fair game.I mean, come on, who wouldn't wanna see Ichiro take David Straitharn deep?Or Tim Robbins plunk Ian Kinsler,I'd pay to watch that...

2)Start the game with"Take me out to the ballgame"

     Don't worry, we'll still have the national anthem(Star Spangled Banner), it'll just be during the 7th inning stretch.And for those of you wondering, "What about God Bless America"?, I'll tell you what I tell everybody.That song sucks...the sentimentality may be alright, but the tune itself blows, and has no business on a baseball field.Let the angry comments begin...(Oh, and no more "Sweet Caroline...sorry Fenway faithful...)

            3)Honor fallen players

And do a better job of it than the Oscars did, Dammit!They took my favoriter part of that program and 

completely rushed it.I cant even remember who the most famous movie star death was, or even why I got on this tangent in the first place...oh, yeah, fallen players...ummm, the Mets need to really do a good Gary Carter tribute...so should the Expos...I know they don't exist anymore, but they still should do one... 

      4)Phillie Phanatic/San Diego Chicken, murder/suicide 

  Sorry, just wanted to see if you were paying attention...

Opening day parade in Cincinnati,2011

Have the sausage races in Miller Park be a quest to save one's job

Then ,for once, you'll KNOW it's not fixed...also, have more obscure Presidents in the races in Washington.

I Wanna see Franklin Pierce beat out William Henry Harrison(he died in 30 days...)

6)Billy Crystal gets no air time...EVER

   I blame him for the Oscar Death Tribute fiasco...and he can't go 5 seconds with out mentioning Micky Mantle(or is that Bob Costas)?

7)If it is played in Japan,Tom Selleck has to revive his roll as "Mr.baseball"

      Never actually saw the movie, but again , this idea is no dumber than starting the "National past time" in another country...

8)Bring back the bullpen carts

  Just for the day...they were so silly and awesome..Lee Smith really needed them too...   

9)Make all Dodger fans stay all 9 innings, no exceptions

 Self explanatory.

10)If "Smashmouth" show up to play, shoot them on site

Don't know where that came from, but...sure...

    And there you have it, a bunch of ridiculous ideas for opening day, which,if I had my way would start in Cincinnati , the way it's supposed to,crabnibbity...(Spell check has informed me that "Crabnibbity"is not actually a word...or maybe I spelled it wrong).May Bud Selig find the error in his ways, or convince Peter Ueberroth to come back...he's alive, right?